The brother of a dear friend died yesterday.
Doug married a lovely woman when they were both 28. Less than 6 months later, he was diagnosed with an insidious cancer of the lymphatic system (is any cancer NOT insidious). The doctors said they had no idea how long Doug had. Doug enrolled in one experimental treatment after another. He got a bone marrow transplant from another sister. He was sick. Always. He didn't die -- the treatments lengthened his life, but he was never "well." He had to quit his job. Children were out of the question. He and Kim never took a vacation together. Never had any chance to imagine a future together.
Whenever I asked Cathy how Doug was doing, she would sigh and say, "Things don't look good." When I asked how Kim was doing, she would roll her eyes and say, "You know how she is." Cathy complained that Kim was never there, never did anything, that she would go shopping while Doug was having treatments.
Doug and Kim never had a normal marriage: Six months of honeymoon and then a death sentence.I simply can't imagine what it would be like for virtually an entire marriage to be focused on cancer, illness -- illness with no hope of recovery, drugs, death.
Doug was already sick when I first met Cathy 12 years ago. Twelve years. Ten years ago he was saying he didn't know how much more he could take. Ten years. He "took" a lot more than I ever thought he would. Kim endured more than I can fathom. What kind of marriage could it have been? What is her grief now? Did she shut herself down 12 years ago? 10? 7? 5? Does she have any feeling left? anything other than relief? I simply can't begin to imagine.
Another Day
11 hours ago
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6 comments:
I can imagine. I can also imagine that her sister-in-law has no real clue. But that's just me.
I'm sorry for you friend's loss.
I know you can, Annie, and I thought about you the whole time I was writing this post, trying to remember how long you and Will were together before he got sick.
My perspective toward Doug's wife has certainly changed in the last 5 years. (And I've seen my friend Cathy in a different light as well!)
If I were back East, I would certainly go to the funeral, but right now, where I am, I don't even know how to write the condolence note. Sigh.
The bottom line is always the same: Cancer sucks!
Will always manifested symptoms here and there from the time even before we dated and were just friends. We just didn't know it. We were married two and a half years when it really hit though.
My cousin, who is thirty, lost his wife a couple of weeks before my dad died last fall. She was 28. Had just had a baby 6 wks before. They still don't know really what happened. It took me a couple of months before I could send a card - because what do you say? I am not wise. I don't have special insight. I'm just a survivor like most people are. But the words came eventually. I am sure that you will write a condolence that is heartful and heartfelt because I have seen you do it on the board and on people's blogs and right here.
And cancer is cruel. I totally agree.
I'm sure you will somehow find appropriate words Alicia. I've no idea what they will be because this is the stuff of nightmares.
Ali
My mom was given a couple of years to live when I was five. She was later diagnosed with Lupus. I grew up with her being in and out of hospitals, convalesant homes, and taking care of her at home in between. She died when I was 19, she had no memory of who we were by then.... My dad loved her until the day he died 24 years later.
My husband was alive one day and gone the next...
I still don't know what to say.
Diane hb
So sad- I too thought of Annie as I was reading this post.
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