At loose ends

I started three different entries yesterday, but didn't finish any of them. I had three different things on my mind and heart, but couldn't resolve any of them. The odd thing is that the situations are resolved, or are not mine to resolve... so there is nothing for me to do. Things simply are what they are.

Aunt Mary fell and hit her head last weekend -- the day after I posted about her, in fact. She was unconscious when Cousin Joe found her, and nobody really knows how long she'd been down. She's still in the hospital, doing okay, but not great. The good thing is that the hospital will not release her to go home; a social worker talked to her and determined that she needs to be under supervised care. So she stays in the hospital until Joe and his wife can find a suitable assisted living facility.

The lease of my house in Maryland expires at the end of June. The tenants asked for a 1-year renewal. Since I don't know "how long Mother will need me here," I offered 6 months, with the possibility of renewal or month-to-month. They countered with 7 months. So that's settled: I won't be going back to Maryland anytime soon. I'm here in Arizona until at least January 2010.

Finally, yesterday was one of those milestone dates in my life. A happy time, the memory of which makes me sad. A love once new, now gone.

There's nothing to be done about any of this; there really are no loose ends here. Things are what they are. All I can do is pick up my tangle of emotions, take a deep breath, and step gently into the next moment.

Family values

I did have the opportunity to see Nick's family while we were back East.

Nick's brother and his wife were at church, of course, and we exchanged greetings appropriate to the season. I had let them know we would be in town, but they didn't make any effort to see us until a few days before we were leaving -- when they invited me to join them for an evening at a bar (their favorite hangout) 90 minutes from where I was staying. Drive for 90 minutes... drink for 2 hours in a noisy, presumably smoky bar... drive home (under the influence) another 90 minutes... Hmmmm... I declined.

All the local cousins and aunts gathered for Easter dinner, as is the custom. It was good to see them, and I did have a friendly conversation with my BIL and his wife. Two of Nick's aunts are in their 90s now, and it was good to see them doing as well as they are. The sons of Nick's youngest cousin are about the same ages as Rock and HardPlace; the four boys wrought havoc together and had a grand time running all over the place. The daughter of one of his cousins got married last fall, and it's fun to hear the family speculate and banter about when the next generation will arrive. Easter Sunday really was a lovely family time.

Two stories about Nick's cousins ...

"Joe" is 60-something and could retire anytime he wants, but he likes the money coming in (don't we all?). He and his wife built a huge addition on their house (AFTER their kids were grown and graduated college and totally out of the house) so that she could have a larger closet. They gave their daughter a new BMW when she graduated from college (and not just a "token" BMW but one of upscale numbers).

Joe's mother is the eldest of Nick's aunts. She's 93, virtually blind, and cannot walk around unassisted in a strange setting. She doesn't realize that Joe and his wife moved her into an apartment in Virginia; she thinks she still lives in Pennsylvania. She won't answer the phone between 5:00 and 6:00 p.m., because she has to have dinner ready at exactly 5:30 or it upsets her husband -- who died 10 years ago -- and he likes to eat in peace (which I'm sure he does!). Bless this good woman for being alive.

I was shocked to learn that Aunt Mary is living alone, in an apartment 30 minutes from Joe, which (of course) makes it too difficult for anyone to visit her every day. I was appalled to learn that she is getting ONLY those services that the city/county/state provide for free. Joe is not willing to spend a single penny to ensure that his mother is safe and well cared for. She NEEDS to be in an assisted living facility. She NEEDS to have someone cook and clean for her. She NEEDS to have someone check on her well-being every single day.

But Joe won't pay for it. I can't help but wonder if his daughter, who has a beautiful new BMW, will see the value in paying for the care that Joe needs when his time comes.

I've never liked Cousin Joe -- not since he tried to grope me in the kitchen when I was still a blushing bride -- but I've ALWAYS liked Cousin Christie. She and her two sons are the only members of Nick's family who have been a consistent, loving presence in our lives since Nick died.

When Christie heard that the boys and I were coming to town, she begged us to stay with her for a few days, which I gladly did. She bought junk food for the boys and watched a silly movie with them while I went to dinner with the widows. She went with us to the museums (interacting with the boys about the exhibits on a better level than I knew how to) and took us to the zoo. She's wonderful.

Christie was laid off recently, but money isn't a crucial issue for her. She actually has the same BMW that Joe bought for his daughter -- except Christie agonized about buying it (used) and it was her way to celebrate having become a 5-year survivor of ovarian cancer (she's now at 10 years!). Her husband left her for another woman 15 years ago, and their two teenage sons were devastated when their father abandoned them to start a "new family." But Christie has raised them to be amazing, compassionate young men. How amazing?

When Christie was laid off, her 28YO told her, Mom, I have $24,000. It's yours.

I immediately appreciated the generosity, but I was really stunned when Christie pointed out what thrilled her: My TWENTY-EIGHT year-old son has SAVED $24,000! He actually LEARNED SOMETHING from me!

Wow. I think I want to be like Christie when I grow up. And my sons should emulate hers.

Catching up

Today started with delight and ended with pleasure. I saw my first saguaro blossom of the season this morning, a brilliant white star on a green giant. Then I cleaned the pool and adjusted the chemicals: The boys and I had our first swim of the season this afternoon. Both moments were glorious and wonderful.

Yesterday was a wretched day that started with a colonoscopy. Need I say more? I was not expecting the post-procedural pain but I got over it. Now I have to wait for the results.

Monday was a great day back at school ... and preparing for the colonoscopy. I won't say anything more about that.

Sunday was a quiet day of doing laundry and enjoying being back in our own space.

Saturday was our last day of vacation. We had a great trip to the zoo and an uneventful plane ride home.

Vacation highlights: The boys and I had wonderful "play dates" with all our friends. It was so good to be back in familiar territory, seeing familiar landmarks, walking my old neighborhood. And of course, being back in church was beyond wonderful.

The day after Rock made his first confession, HardPlace served at the altar, for the Divine Liturgy of Great and Glorious Pascha. It was heart-stopping to see my little one behind the iconostasis, where his dad stood so proudly, so humbly.

We came back to Arizona with a renewed appreciation of our church. We've started doing Compline at bedtime again; the boys eagerly participate, bickering over who gets to read which section. It makes me so very happy.

Finally, I derive a perverse pleasure in how HardPlace chose to complete one of his homework assignments. His assignment on Monday was to list the hierarchy of the church. He started with Patriarch Gregory III, then named Archbishop Cyril Bustros of the Eparchy of Newton. I told him that his teacher might not recognize those names and maybe he should list the Pope and the Bishop of Tucson. But that's not OUR church. Cyril is MY Bishop. Mom grins. Hugely. You're right, babe. You're right.

One of those moments

It has been beyond wonderful to be back in Maryland, among friends (and trees!), in the old neighborhood, in the old church. "Happy" doesn't begin to scratch the surface of how good it has been.

Much of our time so far has been at Holy Transfiguration -- after all, that's WHY I came here at this time, to be in church for the wondrous services of Great Week. One of the first things I did upon arriving at church on Thursday was go to confession. Being in the desert literally has isolated me spiritually, and it is so good to be welcomed back home.

Yesterday afternoon, during the vespers service for the Descent from the Cross, Rock told me he wanted to go to confession.

But you can't -- you're not old enough.
But I want to!
Why?
Because I've done bad things and I have to tell God I'm sorry.
You're not in second grade yet.
But, Mom, I really need to.
Okay. I'll talk to Father Joseph about it.

Fr. Joseph's response was exactly what I knew it would be: If he understands that things are not right in his relationships -- with you, with his brother, with God -- then he is ready for confession. Send him to me, and I'll walk him through it. So, after the Lamentations liturgy last night, after quick instructions on what to say when he got up to Fr. Joseph, Rock went for his first confession.

It was so different from HardPlace's first confession: Weeks of preparation in Sunday School, parents required to attend a lecture from Fr. Joseph, big to-do in the hall, photos and recognition. I remember standing in the back of the church, barely able to hold back the tears, because Nick should have been there. Nick would have been so proud to see our sweet little boy cross that threshold into an active, conscious faith. I was so proud, and in such pain.

Last night, I sat in the church, filled with love for my son and my husband, and I rejoiced in the faith that has brought us thus far. Pride. Joy. Love. Hope. And more love.

It's all good.

Traveling again

Just checking to in to let you all know that all is well.

We leave tomorrow for Spring Break in Maryland, and I am BEYOND excited. I cannot wait to spend the great days of Great Week in our home parish, to hear the familiar music, smell the incense, and be among friends who have known me for years and years.

I have set up play dates for the boys with all their best buddies and play dates for myself with all my best buddies. Cherry blossoms are in bloom. We'll go to some of the museums on the Mall. We'll walk along the Potomac River. We'll go to Baltimore. We'll just hang with our friends.

I can't tell you how much I need this!